"Infatuation"

This song is just so so good!

My Christmas break has been great so far. I have gotten to see my incredibly hilarious and wonderful nephews and FINALLY meet my new niece. I love them all so much and I miss them all the time. *Mia, I miss your kids every single day! I hate not seeing them!* I also got to spend time with my other "niece" (who I love so much)!!

 

Deacon. One of my favorite things to do is cuddle with this sweet boy. I love when he settles enough to let me read him stories. But don't get me wrong, I sure do love our tickle fights and pillow fights. <3 br="br">

  

Meeting beautiful baby Gwenyth is possibly the major highlight of my trip home. I adore her and can't wait to love on her so much throughout the years.

Van. Oh man. This boy has gotten so much chattier since I last saw him. He is the sweetest boy. I am so lucky to have someone who loves me so much that his face lights up when he sees me (most of the time) :)

 

William. Hands down, funniest 4-year-old I know.  He has the greatest grin, laugh, and sense of humor. I love the one-on-one time I get with this wonderful boy.

Bruiser (with a cameo by Deacon/Will). Now this dog has my heart completely. He knows just when to lay by me to keep me company when I'm feeling lonely. He gets so excited when I come home, no matter how long it's been. Bruiser is my baby and I love and miss him kind of a ridiculous amount.

Ryah. This child is so adorable it's ridiculous. I have seen her 4 times in her life and I adore her with all my heart. She is getting to be so funny and so animated. I love it! (she is blowing kisses btw)

Before I left for Utah, I had about 1.5 weeks to spend with Michael. We have now been together over a month, which to some may not seem like a lot, but it's a big deal to me. We have talked every single day I've been gone and although I'm loving spending time with my family and friends, I am very excited to see him next week and spend the majority of our remaining break together.

Since I've been home it has snowed. A lot. While I'm not a fan of the cold, I have forgotten how much I love being surrounded by beautiful mountains and watching the snow fall and see how beautiful it looks untouched. It is something I will never stop loving.

Christmas was wonderful and busy as always. As always, it was so wonderful to see my family. I love spending time with all of you laughing and stuffing our faces. The games, the laughter and the love are things that make being home so fun. 

My mom and I have been so busy for different reasons that we haven't really had the chance to hang out much. It is tragic. :( But we are fixing that today, probably tomorrow and most likely many other days. 

Since I've been home, I have seen some of my most favorite people: Rachelle, Nicole, Taylor, and Suzzie. I will be seeing the rest of my favorite people in this last week home: Megan and Kari. Hopefully I can add my dear friend Ashley to that list because it just wouldn't be a trip home without one of my most hilarious friends.

My birthday is in 3 days. WHAT?? 26, finally getting my life together and loving it. Who knew all I needed was to find out what I wanted and get out of my own head to accomplish it? I sure didn't. I'm just grateful I found inner peace (yep, cheesy I know but true) so that I can truly be open to all the options that surround me and thankfully I did because I can tell you that while a boyfriend was hoped for, he was 150% unexpected. Thank goodness for good friends who through fun Halloween parties. I have a feeling that 2013 and 26 will be a much better year than 2012 and 25 (the first 10 months were pretty awful). 

School is INSANE but I truly do love it. Spending time with and being a part of those children's life has been such an amazing blessing. It has not only confirmed my choice, but it has eased so many doubts and fears. While I can't say I am completely ready for the rest of my program, I can say that I am totally ready for the challenge. 

Bring on 2013 and all it's challenges and excitement.

"Begin Again"

I do not care how any of you feel about Taylor Swift, this song makes me happy.

So. This semester has been...insane. I pretty much burnt out around mid October, but hey. I'm hanging in there. I am in the final stretch--one more week!  I have about 5 more papers to write and one Assessment Team Meeting (my new version of finals!) and then I. Am. Done! Then I have a much needed, much anticipated six-week break ahead of me. 3 of those weeks will be spent in Utah with family and friends and a brand new niece!!! The rest of the 3 weeks will mostly be spent with someone who has made the last month of school unexpectedly pretty great.

I know for sure that the 4 people who read my blog know about my new boyfriend, Michael. Here is a picture of us at Thanksgiving, which was spent with his family (parents, sister and grandparents). It was the first time I had met anyone in his family, but it was really nice. His parents are great and his sister is pretty funny (That is his sister Michelle in the background, btw).
 

So there ya have it.
This post isn't exactly typical for me but hey, what can I say? I'm happy. :)

"I Learned From You"

This song is so very sweet. I don't even care that it is Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus.

These last few weeks has been unbelievable in so many ways.

      I have been unbelievably busy, tired, stressed, motivated, exhilarated, and inspired.

School has been getting busier, harder, more involved and more informative.
I (still) have projects and papers due all. the. time. but despite how overwhelmed I feel, I truly do love what I'm doing and where I'm going.

I have nearly finished a very hard, detailed, and long paper (the common is to be between 30-40 pages), and although I have stressed about it, I feel more informed about the standards, goals, guidelines, and principles of developmentally appropriate practice and curriculum.

Being more informed has not only helped me with school projects but with my newly discovered passion about educational policies. My good friend Rachel has inspired me to use the voice I have to speak out about the injustices that are happening to the education system in Louisiana and the country. I have a strong, passionate, and smart voice and I need to use it. Rachel has used her voice to write a letter to many members of the Board of Elementary and Secondary Education (BESE) and when they didn't respond, she had the letter sent to the newspapers and other media. It was published and has now been read personally in front of not only the board members it was originally sent to but to the entire board and many members of the state community as a whole.

Rachel, our friend Katy and I have gone to the BESE committee and board meetings that have gone on over the past two days and it was so much more informative and shocking than any of us imagined. We have made great contacts and have gotten wonderful encouragement and support from many people at the meetings and from our professors. We have also personally witnessed the disrespect that is happening to not just parents, teachers and other education professionals but toward other board memories themselves.

I am inspired to continue to be involved in how the policies are made and how the are enforced because I value the career of teaching and the education of ALL children (not just those I'll be certified and qualified to teach). I believe those who make the policies need to have realistic and practical views of what happens the whole spectrum of classrooms.

Here are some videos of my friends and I. (the sound is very low, i recommend headphones)
Rachel 1
Rachel 2
Abbey
Katy and Abbey

Here are the links to Rachel's letter and to her being quoted in another paper about the meetings.
The Advocate (letter)
NOLA (quote)

I just have to finish (for NOW) by saying that it isn't until you need to prove your point on why your opinion is valid that you understand how much you truly know. (Rachel said that.. :) )

"Drowning"

It's not as dramatic as it seems. It's just a song. An awesome song. A pretty song.

Actually, it might be a *tad* as dramatic as it sounds.
From the very beginning of this semester, I have felt behind and that I have never quite been on the same page as everyone else in my program.
It's not that I don't go to class, take notes, or that I don't turn in assignments. I do. Every time.
But I don't feel like I'm actually comprehending anything.
Bits and pieces here and there, but overall I just feel like I have no idea what is going on.
There are so many papers, projects, and little assignments that I don't feel like I have been giving everything my all. If anything, I feel like I am half-assing my work just so that it is done on time. This is not because I *want* too. My classes are all so very similar that even though I have 4 separate classes, I feel like it is just one class taught 4 different times by 3 different professors. All the information seems to run together and having 1 professor for two "different" classes is more confusing than helpful.
So, in short--I feel like I'm drowning...in all the work that has to be done.

I have talked to my professors, but that tends to confuse rather than help. I want to be positive about my program and the semester, but I don't know how to muster the energy to be positive about it. I really wish there was something good to say about but...as Thumper says in "Bambi," "if you can't say nothin' nice, then don't say nothin' at all." (or something like that)

I am still yes, liking my program and excited about continuing, but this is the busiest I have ever been in college ever. Maybe the busiest I have ever been in my life. There is absolutely always something to do, and yet while I can not legitimately use the excuse of "no time," I *can* legitimately use the excuse of "no energy." Although the no time excuse is increasingly becoming more and more true.

I know I need to work out more--more for my sanity than for anything else. Any other outcomes would just be a bonus. But again the energy excuse rears it's ugly head. I want to so badly, but when it comes to my "free time" I am so worn out that the idea of moving anywhere but my bed or couch sounds about as exciting as being dropped blindfolded into a snake pit.

The fuel to my pessimistic attitude very possibly may be influenced by my severely strong desire to be graduated and in the Peace Corps already! It may also very well be influenced by my desire to not be in one place for too long. For the past since I was 21, I have moved about every 1.5 years and it is weird to know that I will be here in Louisiana for another 1.5 years (making it a total of 2.5 years in one place). Idk though.

What I *DO* know is that I need to do better. I need to take it all one day at a time. I mean, the semester is already nearing midterms. the next 4 semesters will fly by. FLY, I TELL YOU!

then before I know it, I'll be gone again. Bigger and better things are out there waiting for me.

"Gravity"

This song gets me every time.

The first (and last) line of the song hit it right on:
             Something always brings me back to you/It never takes too long

The "you" in this song is my true feelings about being single at 25.

I was being an awesome student and doing my readings for my classes this week, and one of the chapters was all about pregnancy--from conception to birth. No, it's not biology, so I was surprised too. Now, babies aren't exactly a slap in the face that says "hey you're single" but since it takes two to get pregnant, it got me thinking "wow, I'll be legitimately in my 30's when I start having children."

This realization hit me in a place I didn't know existed. Hard.

I MUST refer back to my post about how I am excited about the path I'm on that allows me to continue my college education and the plan of joining the Peace Corps after graduation. I am, I really REALLY am. These are the choices I have made and I know that.

However.
I did not fully look at the timeline of my life when I started on this new and exciting "5 year plan" of mine. Starting this plan at 24 gets me done at 29, so assuming I meet someone between 29-30 and get married as well in that time frame or between 30-31, and we start having kids relatively quickly, I will have my first, and probably only, child around the age of 32/33.

I am (not-so) surprisingly saddened by this. *THIS* was not part of my "plan."

I am fully and aware of the fact that joining the Peace Corps after I graduate is an OPTIONAL choice, and not a life necessity, but for me--it kind of is. So this new "10 year plan" is something that I have to deal with and marinate in for a little while, but as of right now? I am not okay. I'm not dealing with it well.

When I looked at my life as a senior in high school picturing my life as it neared the 10 yr reunion mark did I imagine that I would be single and just barely graduating college? No, no I did not. I pictured the same life many of my friends have. I would be lying if I said I didn't want that life. I do. But again I MUST repeat--I am NOT willing to give up my goals to have that life I pictured on the beach in Destin, FL just a few weeks ago.

But not being willing to give up my goals and being faced with a sudden reality you never expected are two different things. I want to experience so much in the world, but I want a family. I cannot tell you which I want more and that makes sad.

I never expected I would be that friend people have who is single into their 30s, and as of right now, I'm well on my way. Again, I'm not dealing with this well. This will pass, but

Reality bites.

Here's your ballot, Vote maybe?

I know what I believe in. Do you know what I believe in? This song should clear it up. If the song didn't help, reading might.

*I just feel like I need to say "out loud" my reasons for why I'm voting this election year--not WHO, but WHY.*

1) Healthcare--I believe that there should never be a child without healthcare. No child should be sick and without medical care because their parents cannot afford it. No person should be denied healthcare because they have a pre-existing condition, ESPECIALLY when that condition is something that genetically cannot be helped or could have been prevented with proper healthcare. Preventative healthcare shouldn't cost as much as the corrective actions taken. I want a President who will give me, my family, and my fellow Americans a chance to live a healthier life.

2) Equal Pay for Equal Work for Women--this really shouldn't need an explanation, but it is still an absurd issue that today, in 2012 we are dealing with. In a world where women can be Governors, Senators, Secretary's of State, and a Vice Presidential nominee, it is in my firm belief that if women AND men can do those exact same HIGH UP JOBS, then the women in those positions should get paid EXACTLY the same as their male counterparts. It seems ludicrous to me that it is even an option to NOT pay women equal to men for the same job, but with that said, whether the job be a CEO or a bank manager or a manager at a restaurant, in today's world, I want a president who will fight for my right to earn the same wage as a male counterpart for doing the exact same job.

3) Marriage Equality--again I say that it is absurd that in 2012 something like this is an issue we are dealing with. My stance on this boils down to simply this: There is absolutely ZERO reason to deny ANYONE the option to marry the person the love purely because it is a different love than "you" are used to. There is not a single valid point to why another person's same-sex marriage shouldn't be given the same rights as someone's heterosexual marriage. My biggest 'question' to those who oppose it is this--Tell me ONE way a same-sex marriage changes the value of "your" heterosexual marriage? In my opinion, if someone else can affect your marriage that strongly simply by loving someone so much they to want to be married, then your marriage sucks and you really shouldn't be married. I want a president who will move this country forward and stop denying people the human right to love. I want a president who understands that denying a non-normative family the right to see each other when sick in the hospital, or causing one parent to somehow legally be less than the other, is just plain wrong.

4) Education--as a daughter of educators, as a sibling of educators, as a cousin of educators, as a niece of educators, and as a future educator myself I am hopeful but worried about the education system as it stands now. Teachers have one of the hardest but most rewarding jobs. I haven't had a lot of personal experience in the classroom, but I know what happens. I know the stress that is put on young children to perform to a standard that is beyond their abilities at that stage in life. I don't want to continue to see this profession turn into teaching to a test that doesn't actually help children. On a more positive note, I want to see students achieve academic greatness if that is his or her dream. I hope for an education system that allows everyone the same opportunities to learn despite their economic background. I want a president who will work to change the education system for the BETTER and allow the system to have a focus on the students instead of test scores.

5) Pro-Choice--as a woman who has never had to make this choice, I want my choice protected. With that said, I know that for me personally, if the day ever occurred that I had an unwanted pregnancy, I already know my decision.. The only opinions on this matter that matter are those of my parents, my doctor, and myself. And probably the guy involved in this imagined scenario. However, if I were to (God forbid) be raped and get pregnant, my decision would change. And that is and always should be MY choice. I do not believe that any politician belongs in my child bearing (or lack thereof) decisions. No woman needs that. Religious reasons are valid but they are only valid if that religion has a strong presence in that woman's life, not in anyone else's life. What religion politician X believes in has no place in a woman's personal, private matters. No politician can possibly know what a woman is thinking or feeling before or after she decides to get an abortion. No politician can fathom the emotion that possibly goes into these decisions. I will not pretend that there are some who use abortion a little more carefree, but I will never say that it is not their right. I need a president who will not take that right away from me, my (potential) future daughter(s), my nieces, my sisters, my friends, my mother, my aunts, or any other woman who may be faced with this decision.

That is why I am voting. Those are my beliefs and opinions on the issues that matter to me. In my hard of hearts, I cannot vote against what I know is right. Regardless of who wins this election, I will be able to hold my head high and say that I not only used my legal right to vote, but I used that vote to share my voice. I will be voting this year. Will you?


**it should be noted that these are NOT my only concerns about the issues that have come about in this election, but these are the ones I am most passionate about.*

"Right Kind of Wrong"

There should never be a situation when this song is applicable, unfortunately, it is my entire "love life" story.

Anyway. The semester is technically two weeks in and already I have a severe case of ADD/procrastination brain/writer's block.

This is NOT how I imagined my semester starting. I am still so very excited about this semester but I feel like even though I am "on top of it" all, more keeps piling on and I can't get ahead of or even with the syllabi. I know, I know--one thing at a time, one class at a time (my own words even!) but there is so much in each that I feel like I'm drowning. My anxiety is not handling this well.

In the course of my life (school life that is), there are two things that are the major leading factors behind my ADD/procrastination brain/writer's block:
#1: anxiety/stress
#2: boys/lack of boys

I do not like that either is a factor.

I have a therapist to help with #1 (and #2 really), but #2 really just annoys me. I'm 25 for crying out loud. I should not be this boy crazy still or this easily distracted by boys. It's lame. 

I mean what happened to the person who wrote this post??
She was a more determined, happier, and calmer person. I liked her.
I know I can get there again, I just have to get even with my courses and not feel so drown-y.

Something that I have found that helps with my "two things" is venting about them to clear my mind. So hopefully, this will do the trick to clear my writer's block. I desperately need it to clear....

And...scene.

"Give Your Heart A Break"

The singer of this song is talking to someone in a romantic manner but for the purposes of ME, it is just a message that says--"I know it's scary, but it's okay. You can do this." I dunno, it's the message I'm getting and need.

Moving on...

Semester 317 at LSU (and by "317" I mean (counting summer/intersession) 5) is underway--and looming. Don't get me wrong, this is the semester of college I have been WAITING for since I was the naive (although, was I ever *really* naive?) age of 18 and just starting college: the semester when you start the coursework for your major that you actually give a damn about. The semester that makes you see that "light at the end of the tunnel" they speak of. The semester that makes a student realize that all the bulls*** Gen. Ed. classes they took really were worth the time and effort. *THIS* is the semester I have been anxiously waited for.

why again?

It is only 4 classes, each one day a week, each containing information I am super eager to learn more and more about, and all with professors I already know that I like.
But each of those 4 classes are paper and project intensive, as well as weekly observations--starting like, Tuesday.
I know (KNOW) that the best approach to this semester is to take each paper/project one class and one project/paper at a time because I cannot do more than that. I can only do what is in front of me.
It is because I know this about myself that I have decided syllabi (ha, the plural is just funny) are a medieval torture method. Laying out every single item that is due throughout the next 4-ish months in one fell swoop is just plain mean! Doing that for one solid week is what causes straight madness campuses wide. It isn't cool teachers! Just fyi.

I am fortunate that I have professors who are highly understanding and kind. They are people who are willing to work with their students who are willing to work with them. One of my professors offered to help me develop a weekly study plan (clearly I need help...). I am grateful that I have a plan of attack to keep my "madness" under control before it gets *out* of control.

With that said, I will need all the help, luck, prayers, good words, thoughts and love I can get this semester and the 3 to come.

With THAT said, I forgot to mention the BEST part of this semester is that I get to be in a kindergarten class 3 days a week for 4 hours! It will undoubtedly be challenging, but I am here to learn and what is better than applying my learning in a practical manner OR seeing my future in action? I am very very excited for this. :) :)

"Nothing In My Way"

Love, love, love this song so so much, because now there is *NOTHING* in my way but me.

A week ago exactly, I was sitting on the beach in Destin, FL and I was watching a father chase the waves with his daughter (about age 5/6) and his wife build a sandcastle with their son (about age 8/9). I looked down the beach in both directions and saw many similar scenes. All those who read my blog or have just talked to me briefly about marriage, dating, families, etc. probably have a very good idea what my thought process was while watching this scene--and for a few moments, you are all exactly right.

I was sad, upset, angry, bitter, and once again very aware of my single status. Then I briefly played "what if this was my life?" I named the son (Luke) and daughter (Chloe), and imagined what my life whould be like if I was married and had two children right now. I need to emphasize the "briefly" part because it is important to the rest of this post.

I pictured this life for about 5-10 minutes before I had a thought that shocked me to my core and some would call my "aha" moment: I am not willing to give up my current path/goals and all my past experiences to have that family life I pictured. Is that selfish? Is that just honest? Either way, the answer is still no; no, I am not willing to give up my college education, going to the Peace Corps after I graduate, the chance to travel around Europe or any other opportunity I may have along the way. As bitter as I sometimes am, as sad as I sometimes get, and as lonely as I often feel--I do not regret a single experience I have lived through and hope to someday have.

This revelation doesn't change that I do desperately desire to fall in love and search for it with all my heart. What this revelation DOES change is how I feel about this desire of mine. I am still saddened at times but I'm not angry anymore. I have a future that I have been excited about living, but my excitement has nearly always been clouded by my bitterness at being alone. I now realize that it is *because* I am alone that I have the chance to live the future I have imagined.

However, if one more person who is married or in a relationship tells me (condescendingly OR lovingly) that "my time will come when I least except it," I might have to bitch slap them. Just sayin'. ;-P haha



"I am someone who is looking for love, real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love"--Carrie Bradshaw

"What I've Done"

I feel like this song is fitting (maybe just the title) is really fitting for this post.

This post is about reflection--past and future. Can you reflect on the future?
My post is inspired by two episodes of "Scrubs" both of which were based on living a full life and taking opportunities to experience what life has to offer.

I don't want to look back at my life in 5, 10, 15, etc. years and only see memories of me being to scared to take chances. I have always been a big dreamer, but with no follow through.

I play it safe in almost everything I do.

The biggest risk I've ever taken in my life had an unbelievably great payoff, but even while living in my biggest risk, I still couldn't take common risks.

So this is my open, public declaration about wanting to take more risks, live more boldly, and live this one life I have fearlessly because what the hell am I waiting for??

There are so many things I want to do before I die and I hope that if and when opportunities to do those things arrive, I will take a deep breath and jump in.

Someday I hope that I can say that I have done a few of these things:

-Join the Peace Corps
-Tour Italy
-Travel the whole of Europe
-Climb one of those crazy mountains people talk about
-Explore Asia
-See the Mayan and Incan ruins
-Live the Eat, Pray, Love experience
-Live a year in Italy/South of France/Greece
-Travel through the Amazon
-Spend a month in the Caribbean
-Fall in a Ross/Rachel, Carrie/Big, Luke/Lorelai, Buffy/Angel kind of love


If I can say I did some of these things, I will be able to say I lived a full life.
I have been living in an angry and self-destructive way up to this point. 
I owe myself a full, happy life.

"Payphone"

because this song is just awesome.

This summer has been a non-summer so far, but it has also been a whirlwind of crazy. I finished three classes in two months and it went relatively well I think. An A, a B and a C. A nice and average semester.

Now that school is over, my summer has officially started. I am in Utah visiting friends and family for ~3 weeks. To start off my trip, my family and I went to our cabin in Idaho for 5 days. I invited my friend Taylor and it was a blast. My mom, Taylor and I went up with two of my nephews 2 days before the rest of my family and it was fun. I adore my nephews Will and Deacon. They are so hilarious together.

Now I'm back from the cabin and it is time to catch up with friends and more family time.

Oh, and I also have some summer reading I have to do before fall semester starts. Boo. Nothing like homework to ruin a summer.

"Sunny Came Home"

I think this song is so wonderful. I know my mom and brother do too.

Speaking of my mom and brother--I am so excited to see them in less than a month! And my sister, and other brother, and sis-in-law and bro-in-law and step dad and my NEPHEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry guys, the nephews win....
(mom you *might* tie ;) )

I am still in summer school but the end is in sight!
Two more weeks and then I am done (with classes...but we'll talk about the rest later)!

My desire to stay motivated and "finish strong" in this semester is waning fast but my reason for doing summer school is much more important than my laziness. So laziness be damned!
                               but it's summer!!! i'm supposed to be lazy and read in the sun right?

I am so very ready for my actual summer break to begin. I am very ready to see family and friends and to just be home for a minute.

While I'm home there are a few things I'd like to do--

1) Help out with the Down 'n' Out Diner dinner :)
2) Spend oodles of time with my nephews
3) Have breakfast/lunch with my grandparents and mom/john
4) Have movie/dinner nights with my siblings
5) Spend absurd amounts of time with my mother shopping, movie watching, closer watching and lunching
6) Go to the cabin
7) See my cousin Jessica
8) See my dear friends (in NO PARTICULAR ORDER): Kari, Taylor, Megan, Nicole, Serria, Ashley, ShaNae, and Annalisa
9) Go to dinner with Diane
10) Just enjoy my time home

That is just a rough idea of what I'd like to do when Abbey Comes Home. :)

"High and Dry"

I listened to this song this morning and I just really really enjoy it. :)

So I honestly try not to be a negative person. I really do want to stay positive and see the good in the life I am living. However, I am not perfect. I have days where it gets very hard for me to stay positive about what is going on in my life; in fact, I get down right brutal on myself. Negative talk doesn't help anything. Saying "my life sucks" sure doesn't make my life any better. I also want to be a positive influence on those around me and having reoccurring conversations about why x, y, and z make my life so awful isn't going to A) fix those things or B) inspire many people to want to be around me. So I am going to work my damnedest to change the negative talk in my life by "stealing" and tweaking an idea I got from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland while I was watching it the other day. In the movie, there is a part where Alice says that her dad used to think of six impossible things before breakfast. I liked the idea behind it--nothing is impossible. I am taking this and tweaking it to if I start the Negative talk, I am going to either write down (or say to myself) six positive things about myself and my life. Sometimes I will post them on here, but mostly I will keep them to myself. Today, however, I will post on here.

1) I have incredibly, beautiful curly hair
2) I am a person my friends can turn to for advice
3) I am a compassionate person
4) I have a great sense of humor
5) Instead of giving up on the pursuit of a college degree, I am working harder.
6) My life is filled with people who care about me.

I have recently decided that the quote "mind over matter" is so very applicable to my life.
So many things I want can be achieved if I get out of my own mind and focus on what matters.

Also, "mind over matter" works for me and this Six Positive things because if I start by just saying them, I will start hearing them, and then I will start believing them and then (potentially) I will be the positive person I honestly try to be. That is possibly a stretch, but it is a stretch worth reaching for.

Bill Cosby's "Chocolate Cake"

No, it's not a song, but it is a damn funny skit.
A damn funny skit that is super relevant to my post.

I just made the BEST--BEST--chocolate cake of my life.

From. Scratch.

Yes, true I had a recipe but it was not a from a box recipe. It was melt in your mouth fantastic.
I love to bake the basics--cookies, brownies, and cakes, but I normally stick to the basic recipes as well; aka the box stuff. They are all fine and good but it has clearly been far too long since I have had a GOOD cake. 

 I will now grace you all with the recipe that will put all other cake recipes to shame. It is called "Hot" Chocolate Cake. It is supposed to represent Mexican Hot Chocolate and boy does it. It's amazing. Truly. I can't explain enough. So I'll stop. It's easy to make too.

*p.s. My friend Madison helped make and eat. :D

"Ain't No Mountain High Enough"

I picked this song for this post because, well, come on. How can you NOT feel pumped up and powerful after listening to this song?

Well, well. The whirlwind class that was Spring Intersession is over. And triumphantly so. I got an A. *brush off the shoulder* haha :)

But let me tell you the drama behind my final. Boy, howdy.
*backstory--the class was 2.5 wks long and it is 6 days a week for 3 hours a day. This teacher has a no make-up policy unless under extreme circumstances I did not miss one class, I sat in the front and was all participatory and stuff. I was a good student. A's or B's on all the tests/assignments (mostly A's to be honest).

The morning of my final (Wednesday), some construction workers knocked out the power on my WHOLE street. This meant my alarm did not go off, which meant that I woke up at 10. My final was at 9. With a whole bunch of curse words flowing while I did the bare minimum to get appropriately ready (clothes, brush teeth, shoes). I sped (bad yes, necessary though) to campus begging everyone to get out of my way and pleading to God my teacher was still in the classroom and she would take pity on a good non-slacking student. I got to campus, parked in the first available spot (ticket be damned) and RAN to my classroom. God was clearly listening or something because she was still there. Once I was in the classroom, before I could say anything my teacher gave me a hug and said "I waited because I had a feeling you'd come." I told her what happened and she basically said that if it were any other student, she wouldn't have worked with them to make up the test but she knew I was a good student (for all the back story reasons) so she and I made accommodations for me to take the test a few hours later because she had meetings. I sighed a sigh of relief and said thank you so gratefully and genuinely. I kept my composure the entire time--NO tears. And for me that is a very big deal. I don't handle test anxiety in general when I'm calm and ready but damn, that threw me. For me keeping it together is a big deal.

the important thing though--I got an A in the class! :)

Now I have until Monday off before summer school starts.
June 4-July 7! I CAN DO IT!!!

"Wild One"

I'm not so much a "Wild One" more like an "Unfocused One" because I seriously have the attention span of a puppy when it comes to doing homework.

I really do like that song though.

I have been in this class three days now and I legitimately enjoy it.  Interesting lectures, assignments, and I'm required to listen to music for homework--where's the bad?
*It's 3 hours a day 6 days a week for 2.5 weeks.
Oh! Speaking of interesting assignments--I have narrowed down my favorite piece analysis paper to three songs: "Falling Slowly", "Something", and "A Case of You". Thoughts? Anyone? Bueller? 

It will be fine though--honestly and truly. It should be an easy A right?
--damn. Did I just jinx myself?

Nah...it's information I have not only learned but actually practiced since 7th grade, but in more detail. I really should be fine.

Why am I having a conversation with myself you ask, you anonymous reader, you? Well, two reasons:
1) It makes me feel better and
2) no one comments so I can't have personal conversations. (HINT)

Random final note--
One thing that sucks about being 25 and still in college to get my bachelors degree is being on campus on graduation day (Congrats to my friends though!) seeing "babies" graduate. Not as encouraging as you'd think it would be...what-the-fuck-ever though.


That's all. This spastic puppy has a test to study for (that's right, I've been in class three days and I have a test already).

"If It Makes You Happy..."

"...Then it can't be that bad!!" This song will always bring back happy memories. :)

Well, my summer break was AWESOME--how was yours?
Oh, yours isn't over yet? That's cool. Mine actually hasn't started yet.

I pretty much had a long weekend (okay, a week) between the end of the semester from hell (aka Spring 2012) and the start of a whirlwind Spring intersession semester, where I will be taking one gen. ed. class in two and a half weeks. The class is basically music appreciation, so it should be fun and interesting--or at the very least, tolerable.

One of my first assignments is to analyze a favorite song and the song can be anything from classical to popular music today. The analysis includes describing the rhythm, beat and tempo of the song. Recognizing the time signature, whether it is major/minor song. These are music elements that I already know from being in band and choir so it will be really fun (and possibly annoying) to learn how to analyze songs I actually like, like this.

So, in preparation for this assignment I am going to list 5...okay 10 songs that aren't necessarily my favorite but they are songs that whenever I hear them either sends chills through my body or just immediately makes me happy. If you know them--enjoy again. If you don't know them--you're welcome and where have you been?? (no particular order)

1) Kindly Unspoken--Kate Voegele
2) Ghetto Gospel--Tupac ft. Elton John
3) Crystal--Fleetwood Mac (this version is specifically Stevie Nicks)
4) Something--The Beatles
5) Everything is Everything--Lauryn Hill
6) The Boxer--Simon & Garfunkel
7) Wild Horses--Natasha Bedingfield
8) Clocks--Coldplay
9) Fur Elise--Beethoven
10) Moonlight Sonata--Beethoven

So there that is...
Like I said, none of these are necessarily are my favorite songs, but I do thoroughly enjoy each one of them for every single second. There is something beautiful about music. I have always thought so.

What is the song that sends chills through you every single time you hear it?

Stronger

This time, it is Kanye who has the right, strong song

There is a moment that every single person has had before a test, whether they are 110% prepared or 50% prepared or not even remotely prepared, when they look at their note cards/study guide/etc. and just say "Fuck it."
This happens anywhere between half an hour to 5 minutes before test time and it happens because there comes a point when you realize there is nothing else that will enter your brain before you just have to breathe and take the test. 
This is not necessarily a bad moment. This is sometimes a great moment. For me personally, it doesn't happen often when I am so prepared for a test that I know I can't process anything else because I know everything I need to know, but when it does it feels great. Usually, it is the bad moment when I realize that no matter how much I try to cram in the next 30 or so minutes, I won't fit a semesters worth of information in my head so i just go into the test.
That all being said, I realize that I handle stress...okay.
I handle the possibility of failing HORRIBLY.
Six finals in 3 days is a TERRIBLE idea.
18 credits this semester has been a loving experience that each day has comforted me with a blanket filled with knives, broken glass, and thorns (I just thought of this description Saturday and I love it). This has been the semester from hell and I am ONE horrid final away from it being over.

Then starts summer school.
Which I actually am excited for, believe it or not.

4 hours until my last final, but sometimes you just have to say....







I did my best.

Never Let Me Go

I am LOVING this song and I really can't explain it. So listen.

Finals. I have six. They start May 7 and (for me) end May 9. I have two a day.
I also have a math test, a paper, and two projects before then.
I feel a breakdown coming on.
I have no idea how this semester is going to turn out, grade wise. I am petrified to find out.
Am I in the Peace Corps yet?

I have once again had my dear friend Rachelle "lock" me out of Facebook in an attempt to lessen distractions, I am going to try my damndest (yep, that's a word) to not watch ANY of my many TV shows until finals are over, and to keep my anxiety in check, I am going to run.
I don't know if I'll stop.

Seriously, am I in the Peace Corps yet?

"Call Me Maybe"

The title song today was chosen for many reasons:
1) I love it.
2) It was listened to endlessly on spring break (the topic of post)
3) The music video is hilarious.
4) Seriously, I love it; as ridiculous as the lyrics are, I love it.
So. Spring break in 10 pictures or less (seriously, I mean less):

View of Pensacola Bay from the 15th floor of Portofino Resort on Pensacola Beach.

Pretty view of the gorgeous beach and the FREE (to us at least) beach chairs/umbrellas from Portofino Resort

Mom. This bird, is for you.

Oh, and did I mention the sun setting over the bay while relaxing at the pool? Well, 'nuf said(ish).

Oh yeah! And there was a house to be built! Day 2 of building, but Day 1 of a new house.

End of Day 2 of new house--all the walls AND the tresses of the roof. New friend feeling proud.

Middle of the last day of building/Day 3 of new house--left half of the roof? I nailed that (pun FULLY intended. :P) I did have help, but honestly, I did a LOT.

By the end of the Day 3 build on Friday, the crew we had been working with all week said that we were the fastest college crew they had worked with. Normally they finish the roofing (among a few other things) at the end of Day 4 of a new house. We were quite proud of ourselves. I legitimately don't think a better spring break could have happened. Spend all day Monday at the beach; build from 8-3 Tuesday-Friday then go to the beach/pool at an INSANELY nice resort until well into the night; spend 12-4 at the beach on Saturday before finally leaving such a happy place.
Oh yeah, and I'm crazy tan now. Well, that's what I hear at least.

Now. Time to conquer evil--I mean finals.

"Leaving Las Vegas"

This song is a little bit of a blast from my past...Sheryl Crow has always been a favorite of mine and my sister's (i think). My very first concert EVER was Sheryl Crow with my mom, Sophie and Amelia. It was so much fun--even with the drunk girls behind us. :)

This post is mostly about needing somewhere to post about an article I just read, because I am attempting to detox from Facebook which is where I would normally post stuff like this.

Utah Legislature Votes To Prohibit Schools From Teaching About Contraception

I am very saddened, shocked, and upset that this is still the somewhat ignorant state of mind that UT politicians and people are in. And on a grander scale, people in this country are still in.
Get. Real. I am not saying teen pregnancy, etc would go away with proper education, but I am saying that people are KIDDING themselves if they think skipping Sex Ed is going to in anyway HELP the matter. No, it is not an easy subject, but guess what? Neither is birthing class. Take your pick world.

Okay. I'm done. :)

"Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)"

Holy 200th post Batman! This deserves a strong song. So does my life.

Well, so far being 25 has been kind of uneventful and well awful. And so has 2012. I am unbelievably busy and tired keeping up with school, but that is almost literally the only thing in my life. I am far to social for that to continue to be true. Yet, I have a very small social circle. I need to work on that.

March is going to be my "New Year". It is going to be my beginning to this year. I will forget January and February ever happened and move forward from here. It is the only way to survive this semester and come out on top.

Moving to Louisiana was/is supposed to be my fresh start, my "new me", my beginning if you will. I got lost somewhere along the way and I got distracted. I will figure it out. I am stronger, better, and more capable than I give myself credit for. I have always been too hard on myself and it stops now. It has to, because what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

"Sexy and I Know It"

Hell yes I know it.


I don't really know my point of this post. Truly, I don't. But I feel like I need to have a confidence boosted post since all my recent posts haven't been so happy.

I am doing better. It's been a rough few weeks emotionally, but I am doing better. I know how Awesome I am. and someday...eventually...things will go my way and I will get my dues. I just have to wait it out.

But I'm sorry, I don't think I can be fully happy for people younger than me who keep getting married. It's too hard. I am happy for them, if they are happy. But FULL happiness will be difficult.


I am going to do great things. It just might take time. Cuz i'm awesome and I know it. oh, and i'm sexy as hell (and i know it. ;) )

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"

because that's all they really want. :)

Sometimes, it is just good to remember where you are heading and why you pursuing what you are. I am excited about school, genuinely and truly, but it is hard. So, sometimes I need to remind myself of my goal(s). This is one of the biggest. Nothing and no thing will stand in my way of it. That is my promise to myself.


I also need to remind myself of this goal and the "end game" when I have my rough patches. I got a tattoo to remind myself that my dreams and goals are what matters to me. They are important and THEY keep me going. My dreams/goals are worth something.

"Rolling In The Deep"

Yeah, yeah two Adele songs in a row. But once you read, it might make sense...?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am not someone who is easily defeated.

I know who I am and what I Want.

I am not someone who Crumbles at the tiniest heartache.

I know who I want to be and where I am Going.

I am not the person that allows Others to dictate how I live my life.

I know how to live my Life and when.

I am not the type of person to Give up when it all gets tough.

I know what I deserve and I know WHO I deserve.

I am not the girl that changes myself to fit Your ideal.

I know how Good I am and how lucky You'd be to have me.

I am not the girl that Allows a boy to shatter my World.

I know that I have the Prettiest eyes You will ever see.

I am not someone that forgets what makes me...ME, is pretty damn great.

I know that I can be Emotionally Demanding.

I am not going to make Apologies for who I am or what I want.

I know that might make me a Bitch.

I am not someone who is easily Defeated.

I know that the Fight is half the battle and I will Win this battle.

"Cold Shoulder"

Adele speaks to me. So that is why I chose this song.

I don't actually have much to say, I just want to try and stay on top of this blog and post a few a month.

I have started tutoring for my two classes that require tutoring and while it is intimidating, I am still excited for the experience. Hopefully I'll figure it out and not make it worse on the kids. :/

One of my teachers has challenged my class to "catch" ourselves and others speaking negatively about ourselves and to call out the people--both in the moment and in class. Her point is that if we don't believe in ourselves, how can we except young children (special needs or otherwise) to believe in themselves? She has a point. Luckily I know the majority of that class so when we do speak negatively about ourselves or a situation, we will call each other out but in a fun and friendly way and it actually does become a productive "activity". I have also, however, conveniently adopted the "Bambi" method of thinking this semester: "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all." I feel this is a great way to handle it. I also have re-adopted (metaphorically) my HS track coach's mentality about the word "can't": "I am unable (or some other word) to do this task right now, but I am working (etc) on it" or something like that. There was also 10 push-ups if caught saying it, but that would be a little awkward to "drop and do 10" in the Union/Library/class. :)
Point: SAYING you CAN'T do something instills the idea that you actually won't be able to achieve it. Even just a simple re-wording proves that you know you CAN accomplish the task, it just might take some time.

I am also re-prioritizing my life. That's all you readers need to know. Details are unnecessary. But, priorities need to change or I will suffocate in the life I've been living.

A coping mechanism I learned once to deal with the stress/anxiety/depression in my life is this:
I am upset/anxious/stressed. I am not okay right now, but that is okay. I am allowed to be U/A/S. I am not okay right now, but I will be okay soon. (just as a talking/filler point)

So. I am upset. I am not okay right now. I am allowed to be upset. I am not okay right now, but I will be okay soon.

That's all. :)

"Haven't Met You Yet"

Because, well...I haven't.

I don't just post straight lyrics often but I need/want to this time.

********

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get

Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get

I said love, love, love, love
Love, love, love, love
(I just haven't met you yet)
Love, love, love, love
Love, love
I just haven't met you yet

"Lightening Crashes"

It is storming and I love this song...

Also, if I played the guitar, I would play this song all the time. (yes, it's super easy and basic, but it is also so pretty...)

School is in half-swing. I have been to all my classes and now know the basics of what all the classes expect and require, but I still don't know where/when I will be tutoring for my math class and that is bothering me. :/

But I am so very excited* for tutoring. *read nervous*
It will be such an incredible learning experience for me and I can't wait to get into it and start.

Also, this week starts the beginning of my new work out regime:
Pilates on M/W/F and Couch-to-5K with "15 min energy boost Pilates" on T/Th/S.
It will be awesome. I did 45 minutes of Pilates last night before bed and I have never felt more rested when I woke up this morning. It was great!

Um...that's really it for now. Oh! It is 100% official but it looks like I am going to Pensacola, FL for Spring Break with the LSU Habitat for Humanity! Score. What a great, fun and amazing experience! Yay! Spring break on the beach w/ the added better bonus of charity work!

Okay. That's all.
:)

"Crossfire"

I picked this song because "crossfire" sounds like a good fit for a work-out related post. :)

So a new semester at LSU has officially started. This might possibly be my hardest semester of college ever and if not, it will most surely be my most busy at 18 credits: Biology, Geography, Math, Education, ELRC (some computer class), and Human Ecology. All intense and all required for graduation. Did I mention that I have to tutor for 2 of my classes as well?

No. I am NOT complaining. Seriously, I'm not. I am actually really excited; nervous, but excited. The last time I have felt this good about my life and where it was headed was when I lived in... (can you guess?) Boston. Living in Boston when I did was exactly WHAT I needed, WHEN I needed. I found myself, my closest friends, and I was never happier before that time and I legitimately don't think I've been as happy since. Not to say that I have been UNhappy, necessarily, but moving back to Utah was clearly not the right choice.

On the plane ride to Boston I made a promise to myself that I would be only the person that I wanted to be and nothing short of it. I succeeded because I had no reason not to follow through. No one knew me there and there wasn't anyone to drag my past insecurities to the surface except myself. The same situation holds here--almost. With dad/step-mom being here, there are people that know me, but that doesn't really count. In Boston, I started nearly immediately with a routine of working out 4-5 days a week after work. It stopped almost immediately after I moved back to Utah. Why did I not IMMEDIATELY start that same routine (or close to it) here? School is seriously NO excuse.

So that is my point this post. I am going to attempt the work-out that my sister Sophie told me about: Couch to 5k. I have run a 5k before, so I can absolutely accomplish this. Plus, running 3+ miles 3 or more days a week is a dang good habit to have.

Losing weight, getting in shape and getting a 3.5 (or higher) are my goals this semester. Try and stop me.

"Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow"

I love this song. It is beautiful.

I have been in Utah for nearly a month for the school break and it has been fabulous. It has been cold but tolerable. It finally snowed a few days ago and I kinda forgot how much I love AND hate snow. It is so very pretty, but so damn cold and wet!

My vacation home has been amazing...ly busy! But now that the holiday's are over, it has been a lot calmer and relaxing. It has been so fun to be able to spend lots of time with my family and friends but honestly it has been amazing to spend time with my nephews.

While I have absolutely enjoyed my time home, I am getting a little restless waiting for school to start (who woulda thought?). This is the longest break from school I have ever had. It is awesome and crazy at the same time! LSU, how I've missed you...

Oh, yeah--GEAUX TIGERS!!!!!!!!!!!