"Nothing In My Way"

Love, love, love this song so so much, because now there is *NOTHING* in my way but me.

A week ago exactly, I was sitting on the beach in Destin, FL and I was watching a father chase the waves with his daughter (about age 5/6) and his wife build a sandcastle with their son (about age 8/9). I looked down the beach in both directions and saw many similar scenes. All those who read my blog or have just talked to me briefly about marriage, dating, families, etc. probably have a very good idea what my thought process was while watching this scene--and for a few moments, you are all exactly right.

I was sad, upset, angry, bitter, and once again very aware of my single status. Then I briefly played "what if this was my life?" I named the son (Luke) and daughter (Chloe), and imagined what my life whould be like if I was married and had two children right now. I need to emphasize the "briefly" part because it is important to the rest of this post.

I pictured this life for about 5-10 minutes before I had a thought that shocked me to my core and some would call my "aha" moment: I am not willing to give up my current path/goals and all my past experiences to have that family life I pictured. Is that selfish? Is that just honest? Either way, the answer is still no; no, I am not willing to give up my college education, going to the Peace Corps after I graduate, the chance to travel around Europe or any other opportunity I may have along the way. As bitter as I sometimes am, as sad as I sometimes get, and as lonely as I often feel--I do not regret a single experience I have lived through and hope to someday have.

This revelation doesn't change that I do desperately desire to fall in love and search for it with all my heart. What this revelation DOES change is how I feel about this desire of mine. I am still saddened at times but I'm not angry anymore. I have a future that I have been excited about living, but my excitement has nearly always been clouded by my bitterness at being alone. I now realize that it is *because* I am alone that I have the chance to live the future I have imagined.

However, if one more person who is married or in a relationship tells me (condescendingly OR lovingly) that "my time will come when I least except it," I might have to bitch slap them. Just sayin'. ;-P haha



"I am someone who is looking for love, real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love"--Carrie Bradshaw

"What I've Done"

I feel like this song is fitting (maybe just the title) is really fitting for this post.

This post is about reflection--past and future. Can you reflect on the future?
My post is inspired by two episodes of "Scrubs" both of which were based on living a full life and taking opportunities to experience what life has to offer.

I don't want to look back at my life in 5, 10, 15, etc. years and only see memories of me being to scared to take chances. I have always been a big dreamer, but with no follow through.

I play it safe in almost everything I do.

The biggest risk I've ever taken in my life had an unbelievably great payoff, but even while living in my biggest risk, I still couldn't take common risks.

So this is my open, public declaration about wanting to take more risks, live more boldly, and live this one life I have fearlessly because what the hell am I waiting for??

There are so many things I want to do before I die and I hope that if and when opportunities to do those things arrive, I will take a deep breath and jump in.

Someday I hope that I can say that I have done a few of these things:

-Join the Peace Corps
-Tour Italy
-Travel the whole of Europe
-Climb one of those crazy mountains people talk about
-Explore Asia
-See the Mayan and Incan ruins
-Live the Eat, Pray, Love experience
-Live a year in Italy/South of France/Greece
-Travel through the Amazon
-Spend a month in the Caribbean
-Fall in a Ross/Rachel, Carrie/Big, Luke/Lorelai, Buffy/Angel kind of love


If I can say I did some of these things, I will be able to say I lived a full life.
I have been living in an angry and self-destructive way up to this point. 
I owe myself a full, happy life.

"Payphone"

because this song is just awesome.

This summer has been a non-summer so far, but it has also been a whirlwind of crazy. I finished three classes in two months and it went relatively well I think. An A, a B and a C. A nice and average semester.

Now that school is over, my summer has officially started. I am in Utah visiting friends and family for ~3 weeks. To start off my trip, my family and I went to our cabin in Idaho for 5 days. I invited my friend Taylor and it was a blast. My mom, Taylor and I went up with two of my nephews 2 days before the rest of my family and it was fun. I adore my nephews Will and Deacon. They are so hilarious together.

Now I'm back from the cabin and it is time to catch up with friends and more family time.

Oh, and I also have some summer reading I have to do before fall semester starts. Boo. Nothing like homework to ruin a summer.

"Sunny Came Home"

I think this song is so wonderful. I know my mom and brother do too.

Speaking of my mom and brother--I am so excited to see them in less than a month! And my sister, and other brother, and sis-in-law and bro-in-law and step dad and my NEPHEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry guys, the nephews win....
(mom you *might* tie ;) )

I am still in summer school but the end is in sight!
Two more weeks and then I am done (with classes...but we'll talk about the rest later)!

My desire to stay motivated and "finish strong" in this semester is waning fast but my reason for doing summer school is much more important than my laziness. So laziness be damned!
                               but it's summer!!! i'm supposed to be lazy and read in the sun right?

I am so very ready for my actual summer break to begin. I am very ready to see family and friends and to just be home for a minute.

While I'm home there are a few things I'd like to do--

1) Help out with the Down 'n' Out Diner dinner :)
2) Spend oodles of time with my nephews
3) Have breakfast/lunch with my grandparents and mom/john
4) Have movie/dinner nights with my siblings
5) Spend absurd amounts of time with my mother shopping, movie watching, closer watching and lunching
6) Go to the cabin
7) See my cousin Jessica
8) See my dear friends (in NO PARTICULAR ORDER): Kari, Taylor, Megan, Nicole, Serria, Ashley, ShaNae, and Annalisa
9) Go to dinner with Diane
10) Just enjoy my time home

That is just a rough idea of what I'd like to do when Abbey Comes Home. :)

"High and Dry"

I listened to this song this morning and I just really really enjoy it. :)

So I honestly try not to be a negative person. I really do want to stay positive and see the good in the life I am living. However, I am not perfect. I have days where it gets very hard for me to stay positive about what is going on in my life; in fact, I get down right brutal on myself. Negative talk doesn't help anything. Saying "my life sucks" sure doesn't make my life any better. I also want to be a positive influence on those around me and having reoccurring conversations about why x, y, and z make my life so awful isn't going to A) fix those things or B) inspire many people to want to be around me. So I am going to work my damnedest to change the negative talk in my life by "stealing" and tweaking an idea I got from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland while I was watching it the other day. In the movie, there is a part where Alice says that her dad used to think of six impossible things before breakfast. I liked the idea behind it--nothing is impossible. I am taking this and tweaking it to if I start the Negative talk, I am going to either write down (or say to myself) six positive things about myself and my life. Sometimes I will post them on here, but mostly I will keep them to myself. Today, however, I will post on here.

1) I have incredibly, beautiful curly hair
2) I am a person my friends can turn to for advice
3) I am a compassionate person
4) I have a great sense of humor
5) Instead of giving up on the pursuit of a college degree, I am working harder.
6) My life is filled with people who care about me.

I have recently decided that the quote "mind over matter" is so very applicable to my life.
So many things I want can be achieved if I get out of my own mind and focus on what matters.

Also, "mind over matter" works for me and this Six Positive things because if I start by just saying them, I will start hearing them, and then I will start believing them and then (potentially) I will be the positive person I honestly try to be. That is possibly a stretch, but it is a stretch worth reaching for.

Bill Cosby's "Chocolate Cake"

No, it's not a song, but it is a damn funny skit.
A damn funny skit that is super relevant to my post.

I just made the BEST--BEST--chocolate cake of my life.

From. Scratch.

Yes, true I had a recipe but it was not a from a box recipe. It was melt in your mouth fantastic.
I love to bake the basics--cookies, brownies, and cakes, but I normally stick to the basic recipes as well; aka the box stuff. They are all fine and good but it has clearly been far too long since I have had a GOOD cake. 

 I will now grace you all with the recipe that will put all other cake recipes to shame. It is called "Hot" Chocolate Cake. It is supposed to represent Mexican Hot Chocolate and boy does it. It's amazing. Truly. I can't explain enough. So I'll stop. It's easy to make too.

*p.s. My friend Madison helped make and eat. :D

"Ain't No Mountain High Enough"

I picked this song for this post because, well, come on. How can you NOT feel pumped up and powerful after listening to this song?

Well, well. The whirlwind class that was Spring Intersession is over. And triumphantly so. I got an A. *brush off the shoulder* haha :)

But let me tell you the drama behind my final. Boy, howdy.
*backstory--the class was 2.5 wks long and it is 6 days a week for 3 hours a day. This teacher has a no make-up policy unless under extreme circumstances I did not miss one class, I sat in the front and was all participatory and stuff. I was a good student. A's or B's on all the tests/assignments (mostly A's to be honest).

The morning of my final (Wednesday), some construction workers knocked out the power on my WHOLE street. This meant my alarm did not go off, which meant that I woke up at 10. My final was at 9. With a whole bunch of curse words flowing while I did the bare minimum to get appropriately ready (clothes, brush teeth, shoes). I sped (bad yes, necessary though) to campus begging everyone to get out of my way and pleading to God my teacher was still in the classroom and she would take pity on a good non-slacking student. I got to campus, parked in the first available spot (ticket be damned) and RAN to my classroom. God was clearly listening or something because she was still there. Once I was in the classroom, before I could say anything my teacher gave me a hug and said "I waited because I had a feeling you'd come." I told her what happened and she basically said that if it were any other student, she wouldn't have worked with them to make up the test but she knew I was a good student (for all the back story reasons) so she and I made accommodations for me to take the test a few hours later because she had meetings. I sighed a sigh of relief and said thank you so gratefully and genuinely. I kept my composure the entire time--NO tears. And for me that is a very big deal. I don't handle test anxiety in general when I'm calm and ready but damn, that threw me. For me keeping it together is a big deal.

the important thing though--I got an A in the class! :)

Now I have until Monday off before summer school starts.
June 4-July 7! I CAN DO IT!!!