It's not as dramatic as it seems. It's just a song. An awesome song. A pretty song.
Actually, it might be a *tad* as dramatic as it sounds.
From the very beginning of this semester, I have felt behind and that I have never quite been on the same page as everyone else in my program.
It's not that I don't go to class, take notes, or that I don't turn in assignments. I do. Every time.
But I don't feel like I'm actually comprehending anything.
Bits and pieces here and there, but overall I just feel like I have no idea what is going on.
There are so many papers, projects, and little assignments that I don't feel like I have been giving everything my all. If anything, I feel like I am half-assing my work just so that it is done on time. This is not because I *want* too. My classes are all so very similar that even though I have 4 separate classes, I feel like it is just one class taught 4 different times by 3 different professors. All the information seems to run together and having 1 professor for two "different" classes is more confusing than helpful.
So, in short--I feel like I'm drowning...in all the work that has to be done.
I have talked to my professors, but that tends to confuse rather than help. I want to be positive about my program and the semester, but I don't know how to muster the energy to be positive about it. I really wish there was something good to say about but...as Thumper says in "Bambi," "if you can't say nothin' nice, then don't say nothin' at all." (or something like that)
I am still yes, liking my program and excited about continuing, but this is the busiest I have ever been in college ever. Maybe the busiest I have ever been in my life. There is absolutely always something to do, and yet while I can not legitimately use the excuse of "no time," I *can* legitimately use the excuse of "no energy." Although the no time excuse is increasingly becoming more and more true.
I know I need to work out more--more for my sanity than for anything else. Any other outcomes would just be a bonus. But again the energy excuse rears it's ugly head. I want to so badly, but when it comes to my "free time" I am so worn out that the idea of moving anywhere but my bed or couch sounds about as exciting as being dropped blindfolded into a snake pit.
The fuel to my pessimistic attitude very possibly may be influenced by my severely strong desire to be graduated and in the Peace Corps already! It may also very well be influenced by my desire to not be in one place for too long. For the past since I was 21, I have moved about every 1.5 years and it is weird to know that I will be here in Louisiana for another 1.5 years (making it a total of 2.5 years in one place). Idk though.
What I *DO* know is that I need to do better. I need to take it all one day at a time. I mean, the semester is already nearing midterms. the next 4 semesters will fly by. FLY, I TELL YOU!
then before I know it, I'll be gone again. Bigger and better things are out there waiting for me.
September 26, 2012
September 9, 2012
"Gravity"
This song gets me every time.
The first (and last) line of the song hit it right on:
Something always brings me back to you/It never takes too long
The "you" in this song is my true feelings about being single at 25.
I was being an awesome student and doing my readings for my classes this week, and one of the chapters was all about pregnancy--from conception to birth. No, it's not biology, so I was surprised too. Now, babies aren't exactly a slap in the face that says "hey you're single" but since it takes two to get pregnant, it got me thinking "wow, I'll be legitimately in my 30's when I start having children."
This realization hit me in a place I didn't know existed. Hard.
I MUST refer back to my post about how I am excited about the path I'm on that allows me to continue my college education and the plan of joining the Peace Corps after graduation. I am, I really REALLY am. These are the choices I have made and I know that.
However.
I did not fully look at the timeline of my life when I started on this new and exciting "5 year plan" of mine. Starting this plan at 24 gets me done at 29, so assuming I meet someone between 29-30 and get married as well in that time frame or between 30-31, and we start having kids relatively quickly, I will have my first, and probably only, child around the age of 32/33.
I am (not-so) surprisingly saddened by this. *THIS* was not part of my "plan."
I am fully and aware of the fact that joining the Peace Corps after I graduate is an OPTIONAL choice, and not a life necessity, but for me--it kind of is. So this new "10 year plan" is something that I have to deal with and marinate in for a little while, but as of right now? I am not okay. I'm not dealing with it well.
When I looked at my life as a senior in high school picturing my life as it neared the 10 yr reunion mark did I imagine that I would be single and just barely graduating college? No, no I did not. I pictured the same life many of my friends have. I would be lying if I said I didn't want that life. I do. But again I MUST repeat--I am NOT willing to give up my goals to have that life I pictured on the beach in Destin, FL just a few weeks ago.
But not being willing to give up my goals and being faced with a sudden reality you never expected are two different things. I want to experience so much in the world, but I want a family. I cannot tell you which I want more and that makes sad.
I never expected I would be that friend people have who is single into their 30s, and as of right now, I'm well on my way. Again, I'm not dealing with this well. This will pass, but
Reality bites.
The first (and last) line of the song hit it right on:
Something always brings me back to you/It never takes too long
The "you" in this song is my true feelings about being single at 25.
I was being an awesome student and doing my readings for my classes this week, and one of the chapters was all about pregnancy--from conception to birth. No, it's not biology, so I was surprised too. Now, babies aren't exactly a slap in the face that says "hey you're single" but since it takes two to get pregnant, it got me thinking "wow, I'll be legitimately in my 30's when I start having children."
This realization hit me in a place I didn't know existed. Hard.
I MUST refer back to my post about how I am excited about the path I'm on that allows me to continue my college education and the plan of joining the Peace Corps after graduation. I am, I really REALLY am. These are the choices I have made and I know that.
However.
I did not fully look at the timeline of my life when I started on this new and exciting "5 year plan" of mine. Starting this plan at 24 gets me done at 29, so assuming I meet someone between 29-30 and get married as well in that time frame or between 30-31, and we start having kids relatively quickly, I will have my first, and probably only, child around the age of 32/33.
I am (not-so) surprisingly saddened by this. *THIS* was not part of my "plan."
I am fully and aware of the fact that joining the Peace Corps after I graduate is an OPTIONAL choice, and not a life necessity, but for me--it kind of is. So this new "10 year plan" is something that I have to deal with and marinate in for a little while, but as of right now? I am not okay. I'm not dealing with it well.
When I looked at my life as a senior in high school picturing my life as it neared the 10 yr reunion mark did I imagine that I would be single and just barely graduating college? No, no I did not. I pictured the same life many of my friends have. I would be lying if I said I didn't want that life. I do. But again I MUST repeat--I am NOT willing to give up my goals to have that life I pictured on the beach in Destin, FL just a few weeks ago.
But not being willing to give up my goals and being faced with a sudden reality you never expected are two different things. I want to experience so much in the world, but I want a family. I cannot tell you which I want more and that makes sad.
I never expected I would be that friend people have who is single into their 30s, and as of right now, I'm well on my way. Again, I'm not dealing with this well. This will pass, but
Reality bites.
September 7, 2012
Here's your ballot, Vote maybe?
I know what I believe in. Do you know what I believe in? This song should clear it up. If the song didn't help, reading might.
*I just feel like I need to say "out loud" my reasons for why I'm voting this election year--not WHO, but WHY.*
1) Healthcare--I believe that there should never be a child without healthcare. No child should be sick and without medical care because their parents cannot afford it. No person should be denied healthcare because they have a pre-existing condition, ESPECIALLY when that condition is something that genetically cannot be helped or could have been prevented with proper healthcare. Preventative healthcare shouldn't cost as much as the corrective actions taken. I want a President who will give me, my family, and my fellow Americans a chance to live a healthier life.
2) Equal Pay for Equal Work for Women--this really shouldn't need an explanation, but it is still an absurd issue that today, in 2012 we are dealing with. In a world where women can be Governors, Senators, Secretary's of State, and a Vice Presidential nominee, it is in my firm belief that if women AND men can do those exact same HIGH UP JOBS, then the women in those positions should get paid EXACTLY the same as their male counterparts. It seems ludicrous to me that it is even an option to NOT pay women equal to men for the same job, but with that said, whether the job be a CEO or a bank manager or a manager at a restaurant, in today's world, I want a president who will fight for my right to earn the same wage as a male counterpart for doing the exact same job.
3) Marriage Equality--again I say that it is absurd that in 2012 something like this is an issue we are dealing with. My stance on this boils down to simply this: There is absolutely ZERO reason to deny ANYONE the option to marry the person the love purely because it is a different love than "you" are used to. There is not a single valid point to why another person's same-sex marriage shouldn't be given the same rights as someone's heterosexual marriage. My biggest 'question' to those who oppose it is this--Tell me ONE way a same-sex marriage changes the value of "your" heterosexual marriage? In my opinion, if someone else can affect your marriage that strongly simply by loving someone so much they to want to be married, then your marriage sucks and you really shouldn't be married. I want a president who will move this country forward and stop denying people the human right to love. I want a president who understands that denying a non-normative family the right to see each other when sick in the hospital, or causing one parent to somehow legally be less than the other, is just plain wrong.
4) Education--as a daughter of educators, as a sibling of educators, as a cousin of educators, as a niece of educators, and as a future educator myself I am hopeful but worried about the education system as it stands now. Teachers have one of the hardest but most rewarding jobs. I haven't had a lot of personal experience in the classroom, but I know what happens. I know the stress that is put on young children to perform to a standard that is beyond their abilities at that stage in life. I don't want to continue to see this profession turn into teaching to a test that doesn't actually help children. On a more positive note, I want to see students achieve academic greatness if that is his or her dream. I hope for an education system that allows everyone the same opportunities to learn despite their economic background. I want a president who will work to change the education system for the BETTER and allow the system to have a focus on the students instead of test scores.
5) Pro-Choice--as a woman who has never had to make this choice, I want my choice protected. With that said, I know that for me personally, if the day ever occurred that I had an unwanted pregnancy, I already know my decision.. The only opinions on this matter that matter are those of my parents, my doctor, and myself. And probably the guy involved in this imagined scenario. However, if I were to (God forbid) be raped and get pregnant, my decision would change. And that is and always should be MY choice. I do not believe that any politician belongs in my child bearing (or lack thereof) decisions. No woman needs that. Religious reasons are valid but they are only valid if that religion has a strong presence in that woman's life, not in anyone else's life. What religion politician X believes in has no place in a woman's personal, private matters. No politician can possibly know what a woman is thinking or feeling before or after she decides to get an abortion. No politician can fathom the emotion that possibly goes into these decisions. I will not pretend that there are some who use abortion a little more carefree, but I will never say that it is not their right. I need a president who will not take that right away from me, my (potential) future daughter(s), my nieces, my sisters, my friends, my mother, my aunts, or any other woman who may be faced with this decision.
That is why I am voting. Those are my beliefs and opinions on the issues that matter to me. In my hard of hearts, I cannot vote against what I know is right. Regardless of who wins this election, I will be able to hold my head high and say that I not only used my legal right to vote, but I used that vote to share my voice. I will be voting this year. Will you?
**it should be noted that these are NOT my only concerns about the issues that have come about in this election, but these are the ones I am most passionate about.*
*I just feel like I need to say "out loud" my reasons for why I'm voting this election year--not WHO, but WHY.*
1) Healthcare--I believe that there should never be a child without healthcare. No child should be sick and without medical care because their parents cannot afford it. No person should be denied healthcare because they have a pre-existing condition, ESPECIALLY when that condition is something that genetically cannot be helped or could have been prevented with proper healthcare. Preventative healthcare shouldn't cost as much as the corrective actions taken. I want a President who will give me, my family, and my fellow Americans a chance to live a healthier life.
2) Equal Pay for Equal Work for Women--this really shouldn't need an explanation, but it is still an absurd issue that today, in 2012 we are dealing with. In a world where women can be Governors, Senators, Secretary's of State, and a Vice Presidential nominee, it is in my firm belief that if women AND men can do those exact same HIGH UP JOBS, then the women in those positions should get paid EXACTLY the same as their male counterparts. It seems ludicrous to me that it is even an option to NOT pay women equal to men for the same job, but with that said, whether the job be a CEO or a bank manager or a manager at a restaurant, in today's world, I want a president who will fight for my right to earn the same wage as a male counterpart for doing the exact same job.
3) Marriage Equality--again I say that it is absurd that in 2012 something like this is an issue we are dealing with. My stance on this boils down to simply this: There is absolutely ZERO reason to deny ANYONE the option to marry the person the love purely because it is a different love than "you" are used to. There is not a single valid point to why another person's same-sex marriage shouldn't be given the same rights as someone's heterosexual marriage. My biggest 'question' to those who oppose it is this--Tell me ONE way a same-sex marriage changes the value of "your" heterosexual marriage? In my opinion, if someone else can affect your marriage that strongly simply by loving someone so much they to want to be married, then your marriage sucks and you really shouldn't be married. I want a president who will move this country forward and stop denying people the human right to love. I want a president who understands that denying a non-normative family the right to see each other when sick in the hospital, or causing one parent to somehow legally be less than the other, is just plain wrong.
4) Education--as a daughter of educators, as a sibling of educators, as a cousin of educators, as a niece of educators, and as a future educator myself I am hopeful but worried about the education system as it stands now. Teachers have one of the hardest but most rewarding jobs. I haven't had a lot of personal experience in the classroom, but I know what happens. I know the stress that is put on young children to perform to a standard that is beyond their abilities at that stage in life. I don't want to continue to see this profession turn into teaching to a test that doesn't actually help children. On a more positive note, I want to see students achieve academic greatness if that is his or her dream. I hope for an education system that allows everyone the same opportunities to learn despite their economic background. I want a president who will work to change the education system for the BETTER and allow the system to have a focus on the students instead of test scores.
5) Pro-Choice--as a woman who has never had to make this choice, I want my choice protected. With that said, I know that for me personally, if the day ever occurred that I had an unwanted pregnancy, I already know my decision.. The only opinions on this matter that matter are those of my parents, my doctor, and myself. And probably the guy involved in this imagined scenario. However, if I were to (God forbid) be raped and get pregnant, my decision would change. And that is and always should be MY choice. I do not believe that any politician belongs in my child bearing (or lack thereof) decisions. No woman needs that. Religious reasons are valid but they are only valid if that religion has a strong presence in that woman's life, not in anyone else's life. What religion politician X believes in has no place in a woman's personal, private matters. No politician can possibly know what a woman is thinking or feeling before or after she decides to get an abortion. No politician can fathom the emotion that possibly goes into these decisions. I will not pretend that there are some who use abortion a little more carefree, but I will never say that it is not their right. I need a president who will not take that right away from me, my (potential) future daughter(s), my nieces, my sisters, my friends, my mother, my aunts, or any other woman who may be faced with this decision.
That is why I am voting. Those are my beliefs and opinions on the issues that matter to me. In my hard of hearts, I cannot vote against what I know is right. Regardless of who wins this election, I will be able to hold my head high and say that I not only used my legal right to vote, but I used that vote to share my voice. I will be voting this year. Will you?
**it should be noted that these are NOT my only concerns about the issues that have come about in this election, but these are the ones I am most passionate about.*
September 3, 2012
"Right Kind of Wrong"
There should never be a situation when this song is applicable, unfortunately, it is my entire "love life" story.
Anyway. The semester is technically two weeks in and already I have a severe case of ADD/procrastination brain/writer's block.
This is NOT how I imagined my semester starting. I am still so very excited about this semester but I feel like even though I am "on top of it" all, more keeps piling on and I can't get ahead of or even with the syllabi. I know, I know--one thing at a time, one class at a time (my own words even!) but there is so much in each that I feel like I'm drowning. My anxiety is not handling this well.
In the course of my life (school life that is), there are two things that are the major leading factors behind my ADD/procrastination brain/writer's block:
#1: anxiety/stress
#2: boys/lack of boys
I do not like that either is a factor.
I have a therapist to help with #1 (and #2 really), but #2 really just annoys me. I'm 25 for crying out loud. I should not be this boy crazy still or this easily distracted by boys. It's lame.
I mean what happened to the person who wrote this post??
She was a more determined, happier, and calmer person. I liked her.
I know I can get there again, I just have to get even with my courses and not feel so drown-y.
Something that I have found that helps with my "two things" is venting about them to clear my mind. So hopefully, this will do the trick to clear my writer's block. I desperately need it to clear....
And...scene.
Anyway. The semester is technically two weeks in and already I have a severe case of ADD/procrastination brain/writer's block.
This is NOT how I imagined my semester starting. I am still so very excited about this semester but I feel like even though I am "on top of it" all, more keeps piling on and I can't get ahead of or even with the syllabi. I know, I know--one thing at a time, one class at a time (my own words even!) but there is so much in each that I feel like I'm drowning. My anxiety is not handling this well.
In the course of my life (school life that is), there are two things that are the major leading factors behind my ADD/procrastination brain/writer's block:
#1: anxiety/stress
#2: boys/lack of boys
I do not like that either is a factor.
I have a therapist to help with #1 (and #2 really), but #2 really just annoys me. I'm 25 for crying out loud. I should not be this boy crazy still or this easily distracted by boys. It's lame.
I mean what happened to the person who wrote this post??
She was a more determined, happier, and calmer person. I liked her.
I know I can get there again, I just have to get even with my courses and not feel so drown-y.
Something that I have found that helps with my "two things" is venting about them to clear my mind. So hopefully, this will do the trick to clear my writer's block. I desperately need it to clear....
And...scene.
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