This song gets me every time.
The first (and last) line of the song hit it right on:
Something always brings me back to you/It never takes too long
The "you" in this song is my true feelings about being single at 25.
I was being an awesome student and doing my readings for my classes this week, and one of the chapters was all about pregnancy--from conception to birth. No, it's not biology, so I was surprised too. Now, babies aren't exactly a slap in the face that says "hey you're single" but since it takes two to get pregnant, it got me thinking "wow, I'll be legitimately in my 30's when I start having children."
This realization hit me in a place I didn't know existed. Hard.
I MUST refer back to my post about how I am excited about the path I'm on that allows me to continue my college education and the plan of joining the Peace Corps after graduation. I am, I really REALLY am. These are the choices I have made and I know that.
However.
I did not fully look at the timeline of my life when I started on this new and exciting "5 year plan" of mine. Starting this plan at 24 gets me done at 29, so assuming I meet someone between 29-30 and get married as well in that time frame or between 30-31, and we start having kids relatively quickly, I will have my first, and probably only, child around the age of 32/33.
I am (not-so) surprisingly saddened by this. *THIS* was not part of my "plan."
I am fully and aware of the fact that joining the Peace Corps after I graduate is an OPTIONAL choice, and not a life necessity, but for me--it kind of is. So this new "10 year plan" is something that I have to deal with and marinate in for a little while, but as of right now? I am not okay. I'm not dealing with it well.
When I looked at my life as a senior in high school picturing my life as it neared the 10 yr reunion mark did I imagine that I would be single and just barely graduating college? No, no I did not. I pictured the same life many of my friends have. I would be lying if I said I didn't want that life. I do. But again I MUST repeat--I am NOT willing to give up my goals to have that life I pictured on the beach in Destin, FL just a few weeks ago.
But not being willing to give up my goals and being faced with a sudden reality you never expected are two different things. I want to experience so much in the world, but I want a family. I cannot tell you which I want more and that makes sad.
I never expected I would be that friend people have who is single into their 30s, and as of right now, I'm well on my way. Again, I'm not dealing with this well. This will pass, but
Reality bites.
2 comments:
When I was at LDSBC we had this really awesome speaker come lecture to us. He and his wife served in the PeaceCorp for a 2 year extended honey moon. They left together right after they got married. Maybe you will find someone who will go on your journey with you :) you never know what will happen.
I thought I was going to be single my entire life. A lot can change in just one year. If you're willing to put in the hard work, perhaps you can fulfill both dreams at the same time. That's what my mom did. She went to college while mothering three small children. Or perhaps time will change your feelings of what you want and it won't be so hard to let go of one dream to have the other. It's also not impossible to have children well into your 30's. So I know you feel like you'll be too old by the time your 5 year plan is complete, but your body will still be capable. My ob-gyn is 39 and just had her second baby. Many people put off the family thing to pursue an education. :)
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