"You stopped the snow?!?" "Yes. Sheer force of will. We said no Christmas, so I had no Christmas."

okay. so this is not meant to make family members sad. it is just on my mind.

so December and January have always been INSANELY crazy in my family. INSANELY.
I mean in descending order we have:
younger brother's bday (Dec 13)
Christmas (3 places that day) (duh)
my bday (Dec 30)
(now) Evie's bday (Dec 29)
2nd older sister bday (Jan 2)
older brothers bday (Jan 11)
step dads bday (Jan 23 or 24)
oldest sisters bday (Jan 23 or 24)
brother in law's bday (Jan 30)

I mean, that is just crazy! that is a lot of stuff happening in a ridiculously short amount of time, but we handle it. no birthday is forgotten and Christmas (as shuffle-y as it is) always is happy and HAPPENS! i can't imagine a Dec/Jan without the insanity. it is what it is.

but this year, its exactly the same with 2 extra things thrown in. My little brother is going on a mission. And i am SO HAPPY FOR HIM. do NOT get me wrong about that. I am so very excited for him to go. but it comes at a strangely weird price for me.
His farewell and shin-dig is on: you know it! December 30th. yep. my birthday.
Now i know that i won't be "forgotten"; i've made sure of it. just cuz little brother is leaving, doesn't mean i get to be forgotten. and my family is being so great about me reminding them about my birthday practically everyday out of worry that in all the extra insanity of preparing for the mission they actually might forget about me. I don't even know when i am going to be able to celebrate my birthday! but I don't want to be all emotional and upset about ppl forgetting my birthday. I mean, i'm 21. big deal. its one birthday.
But today (meaning Christmas Eve) my dad mentioned that its not so much that i'm worried about ppl forgetting its that i'm taking my little brother leaving a lot harder than i've been letting on so i've been over compensating by focusing on my birthday.
He is right. about 95% right.
I don't want my birthday forgotten because it is my damn birthday!
But little brother and I have been through EVERYTHING big together:
the divorce
the re-marriages
the being the only two left at home(s)
the shuttling between GA and UT
but this GIGANTIC part of our lives is going to be separate; he is going to Singapore for two years and I am going to be a nanny (somewhere) for a year. we may not get a long as fabulously as we once did but because we went through the hardest stuff together we have a friendship that is beyond just siblings. at least i think we do. I am really going to miss him; so will everyone else, but i will miss him for some majorly different reasons.
So i guess it boils down to with all the focus on preparing him to leave, it freaks me out so i NEED to focus on my birthday. i need to know that it (I) still matter...


over dramatic much? maybe, but its how i am...

"People can live a hundred years without really living for a minute. You climb up here with me, it's one less minute you haven't lived."

So. i really need help with this one.

Reggie.

here is what happened from my point of view w/ a few tidbits from friends:
we met 3 days in to Freshman orientation at USU. 3 days. We kissed and then he told me that he really liked me and that he wanted to be with me. i panicked. i said, lets just see what happens. and then the "perfect sunday" happened (refer to 2 previous blog posts). things were going just fine until i had a complete freakout. i couldn't do it. i have always had a wall surrounding me when it came to love and i COULD NOT understand how after 2 months i liked this guy as much as i did; and even harder for me to believe was that he ACTUALLY liked me more than i liked him! it just wasn't possible to feel that way after that amount of time! it just couldn't be.
so, i pushed him away, or at least i tried to. he didn't want to go away...had to admire that, but i'm more stubborn. sadly. so he finally got tired of it (i'm guessing..) and stopped trying. but i didn't stop. i had to be sure. of what, i have NO CLUE. i was vicious, ridiculous, absurd, out right nasty to him. yet he still managed to stay semi-friendly...at first. then it became a battle.
then second semester started.
i had the break to realize that i was INSANE! so, i started going to regular therapy and what not and eventually got on anti-depressants. it helped. but (to make a LONG story short..) i realized too late that i screwed up what should have been and definitely could've been a great relationship because he is an amazing guy...
now. here is the fun twist. i scare him. or make him nervous, or weird him out, etc (friends perspectives here..). here is an even twist-ier twist...my best friend up at USU likes him. potentially loves him. he at least likes her back..and lets her write him on his mission. I was asked not to contact him...
the icing on the cake you ask?
according to above friend...before he left for the summer and his mission, he would ask about me out of concern and worry (big changes were happening for me at that time). i didn't find ANY of this out until half way through my 2nd year first semester.
it bothers me and became the icing because, i was convinced that he HATED me and that i was over him, but now, given how much he initially liked me and how i treated him...i wonder:
was it just because he is an amazing guy that he still cares for me on some level? or was it because he wants to renew a friendship? or was it because he still likes me but because of certain changes, i wasn't pre-missionary friendly so he needed to stay clear? which brings me to my biggest concern and pondering:
just how badly did i damage things and can i fix what i thought was broken...

"I'm ready to wallow now."

Here is some food for thought:

I was talking to my mom earlier this week about how over Jake I really was...I'm not going to focus on that frustrating part (talking to my mom, who is all but TOO happy to have him out of my life, about it). I'm focusing on the thoughts I had about it...

I am over him. I am. To some extent. I don't want to be part of his life like I was, I am glad that I finally am able to see him without falling about, and I'm so glad that I have gotten away from the pain that he caused me for so SO many years.
BUT he choose someone else. I was a huge part of his life for so long and he was my best friend and I loved him. I really loveD him. so to have him choose someone else over me after everything we've been through together, hurts so much. seeing him with her is STILL more than i can handle. He might marry her and that i can't handle. I don't want to be married this young, I really don't, but why does he love her more than me? what did i do that was so wrong that he couldn't be with me?
and then this whole thing made me think about how it seems like everyone i know (who are all younger than me *except one*) is getting married. am i missing something here? did i not get the memo? why does it seem that i can't make a relationship work, but all these ppl (again YOUNGER than me) seem to know that they can make a damn marriage work!
here is a list of all the ppl i know who are now or will be married by Dec 31 2007:
my georgia friends:
Racheal Isenberger
Deysi Valle
Stephanie Stander
my utah friends:
Rachel Kohlbrand
Valarie Jackson
Sky Sidwell (*as far as i still know)
my cousins:
Jessica Bickmore
Sam Orme (*the one older)

that is 8 ppl. THIS YEAR!!!!! all except for racheal isenberger and valarie jackson are getting married this year.

again...did i miss a memo or something? what am i doing wrong?

i don't want to be married. i REALLY don't. but i don't want to be alone. i want to at least start dating! just dating! not even a relationship. i just want to DATE! can i not even have that? because I screwed up with jake and reggie (different post for a different time) am i destined to be alone? can i not catch a break? why can't i find anyone yet everyone else seems to get ppl. the only person i know of that wants to be with me is in georgia and only wants to be with me for...an inside reason...it will never work so this is what i'm left with: 1 guy that i used to love but still hurts me and chose someone else, and 1 guy who doesn't know that i still love him...but he is "scared" by me...

any ideas?

"Wow, sleeping with you is getting me nothing."

just another poem...feeling very poem-y lately...huh

The Perfect Sunday
The sun was shining high
On that perfect
Sunday afternoon.
Calm and relaxing
On that perfect
Sunday afternoon.
Me reading, you hugging me tight
On that perfect
Sunday afternoon.
Lying together as innocent as children
On that perfect
Sunday afternoon.
Snuggled close, not saying a word
On that perfect
Sunday afternoon.
Hours passed without a single thought
On that perfect
Sunday afternoon.
One gentle kiss says goodbye
On that perfect
Sunday afternoon.

That day was probably one of the best days I've ever had and about 2 months later, I ruined what could've been a great relationship for me...
Do I self sabotage or what?

"It’s more fun that way, isn’t it?"

a poem i "wrote" (wrote being, thought of it in my head...) on monday night on the way to my grandma's to make chocolate! (post about that forthcoming..)

Untitled
I'm sorry for the things I said.
I'm sorry for the things I did.
How was I supposed to know
you'd be the one to make
my heart believe?
When I saw you, I guessed it.
When you kissed me, I knew it.
How was I supposed to know
you'd be the one to make
my heart believe?
Broken from before,
Guarded since forever.
How was I supposed to know
you'd be the one to make
my heart believe?
Tried to push you away, you held on.
Finally scared you away and
Lost the one who made
my heart believe...

Meant for the one that could've been and still should be...

"Perfect. Find someone who vaguely resembles me. Take him. Just don’t kiss him goodnight."

i have just recently re-watched the fabulous movie "The Departed" and i have decided that i would give every single thing i own and sell out my family (if they were part of the mafia) to get a chance to make out with Mr. Gorgeous Himself: Leonardo DiCaprio. i'm pretty sure he was my first celebrity crush and i don't think i've ever stopped adoring him. he is just fantastic. beautiful.
seriously, ANYTHING for a single chance to kiss him....
just so you know...

"Cold! Cold! Icy feet, stupid frozen tundra house!"

okay, so it snowed.
BIG time snowed.
almost a foot of snow, snowed.
crazy pretty FREEZING ass snow.
(do we get the point yet?)

last night 10:30pm:
just raining.
lightly raining.

this morning 8:05am:
4-5 inches of fluffy cold snow

this afternoon 2:51pm:
almost a foot of snow (as said above).

welcome to Utah folks.
I mean, we don't have
"Best Snow On Earth" on our license plates for nothin'!
i mean. geez. one minute its raining, the next SNOW!

okay, are you understanding my point yet?
if not, plain and simple:
snow is pretty but snow. is. COLD!
i don't like it!

okay, so today, starting at 8:30 in the morning, i went with my dad to his work (Riverton High) to help him out with grading. he graded, i entered them into PowerSchool.
basically, it was pretty entertaining.
I forgot how stupid high school students can be!
its simply amazing how many students forget their names!
quite humorous.

then after we finished 4.5 hrs of work (which w/o my help would've meant my dad would've had 9 hours of work to do! yay for me!), we went back to his house where my little brother and i shoveled the driveway (yet another reason to HATE snow. no. DISLIKE snow.) and ate wienerscnitzel (wha?). yum. seriously. yum.

and THEN, i checked email and blogged. overall, so far, a pretty decent day!

yay for decent days!