"People can live a hundred years without really living for a minute. You climb up here with me, it's one less minute you haven't lived."

So. i really need help with this one.

Reggie.

here is what happened from my point of view w/ a few tidbits from friends:
we met 3 days in to Freshman orientation at USU. 3 days. We kissed and then he told me that he really liked me and that he wanted to be with me. i panicked. i said, lets just see what happens. and then the "perfect sunday" happened (refer to 2 previous blog posts). things were going just fine until i had a complete freakout. i couldn't do it. i have always had a wall surrounding me when it came to love and i COULD NOT understand how after 2 months i liked this guy as much as i did; and even harder for me to believe was that he ACTUALLY liked me more than i liked him! it just wasn't possible to feel that way after that amount of time! it just couldn't be.
so, i pushed him away, or at least i tried to. he didn't want to go away...had to admire that, but i'm more stubborn. sadly. so he finally got tired of it (i'm guessing..) and stopped trying. but i didn't stop. i had to be sure. of what, i have NO CLUE. i was vicious, ridiculous, absurd, out right nasty to him. yet he still managed to stay semi-friendly...at first. then it became a battle.
then second semester started.
i had the break to realize that i was INSANE! so, i started going to regular therapy and what not and eventually got on anti-depressants. it helped. but (to make a LONG story short..) i realized too late that i screwed up what should have been and definitely could've been a great relationship because he is an amazing guy...
now. here is the fun twist. i scare him. or make him nervous, or weird him out, etc (friends perspectives here..). here is an even twist-ier twist...my best friend up at USU likes him. potentially loves him. he at least likes her back..and lets her write him on his mission. I was asked not to contact him...
the icing on the cake you ask?
according to above friend...before he left for the summer and his mission, he would ask about me out of concern and worry (big changes were happening for me at that time). i didn't find ANY of this out until half way through my 2nd year first semester.
it bothers me and became the icing because, i was convinced that he HATED me and that i was over him, but now, given how much he initially liked me and how i treated him...i wonder:
was it just because he is an amazing guy that he still cares for me on some level? or was it because he wants to renew a friendship? or was it because he still likes me but because of certain changes, i wasn't pre-missionary friendly so he needed to stay clear? which brings me to my biggest concern and pondering:
just how badly did i damage things and can i fix what i thought was broken...