There is something I have to get out. I've been harboring it for quite some time. My first semester of college there was this boy, lets call him AF (Air Force), and he really liked me. Like head over heels. It was scary, it was exciting, it was fun, it was too much for me. I was just starting down this crazy road of actual life, I wasn't expecting that my first WEEK of college I would find this boy who made me laugh, who made me smile, who made me feel excitement. And I couldn't handle it. I panicked. He wanted to BE with me, and that scared me. I liked him, I did, I just couldn't submit myself to what I saw as utter and complete vunerability. So I told him that. Then things got vicious. I don't want to delve into that part of this story, but needless to say, I hated myself for it. I tried to make it better and not to make myself look like such a crazy person, or as he put it, a psycho person. But in his mind, I was too late. He had moved on and literally wanted NOTHING to do with me again. And I allowed myself to believe that it didn't matter, that I was over it as well and that he was a jerk and I was better off without all of the crap. I lied. I screwed up something that (who knows) could've been really good. Now AF is on a mission and is writing one of my best friends, and they really like each other, but him? He still hates me. I don't know what to do other than let it run its course, but it sucks because I wish AF knew how much I hate that I hurt him and that I panicked like I did.
just goes to show that the movie 'Practical Magic' was right:
"Plant lavender by the front gate for luck, always throw spilled salt over your left shoulder, and fall in Love as OFTEN as you can."
I'm done.
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